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Wednesday, March 31, 2010
At a day-long workshop at the Jung Center in Houston last week, I had the privilege of hearing Jean Shinoda Bolen speak. One of the things she asked us to do was to talk with each other about what nourishes our souls and what depletes them. Since I am pondering Chapter 3 of James Hollis' book WHAT MATTERS MOST and considering the idea that we consider feeding the soul for four weeks, I already had nourishing the soul on my mind. Taking a look at what depletes the soul added another dimension to my ponderings on the intention, conscious and consistent challenges of soulwork.
Getting at the truth about what it is that depletes me was more of a challenge than I'd expected, and part of the reason for that is that I'm pretty programmed to take care of my responsibilities, rise to the occasion, put on a happy face and not complain about things I cannot do anything about. I am realistic enough to know that everybody has to do things out of obligation or just because it's theirs to do, but to say, "This drains me" is uncomfortable for me for these reasons:
-- If I admit that something depletes me, I may have to make some changes in my life that I'm not sure I want to make or that may be hard.
-- If I admit that something drains my energy, I may have to take the risk of making other people unhappy if I stop doing that thing or other people may not understand.
-- If I admit that something depletes me, I may have to explore the ways I am being inauthentic, false, hypocritical or phony. Who wants to do that?
-- As much as I hate to admit it, I live under the self-imposed constraint of the "shoulds": I should be able to handle this. I should be able to let it roll off. I should be bigger than to let this get on my nerves, etc., etc. etc.
The more I've thought about that list, however, the more convinced I am that being mature and responsible requires me to take ownership of how I spend my money, my time and my energy, and the truth is that I do not have unlimited resources, time or energy. If I am going to be productive and creative, serene, centered and strong, I have to guard carefully the way I use what I have been given. If something depletes me, I need to know it and, as I can, take responsibility for that depletion.
So it is that I must ask myself some hard questions and be willing to tell myself the radical, unvarnished truth about how I feel about what depletes me.
In what relationships or activities do I give more than I receive?
What activities, behaviors or habits leave me depleted?
Where do I go when, after I leave, I feel wrung out, overwhelmed, anxious or agitated?
What conversations "take the life out of me"?
What relationships are so conflicted, empty or false that I feel "less than" I am when I leave?
What do I listen to, participate in or am exposed to that is junk food for my mind or soul?
What diminishes me or my feelings about myself?
How much time do I spend with people or in activities in which I feel that I cannot really be who I am?
For most of life, there are pay-offs and trade-offs so that I may get enough out of whatever it is I'm doing that I can manage the stress of the output of energy. Indeed, some of life leaves us hanging in that in-between state that says "it's too good to leave, but too bad to stay". It's important to analyze even those experiences to see if they could be made better by some small adjustments or if I'm lying to myself about how bad things really are.
I am reminded of lines from Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass, in which he says, "Re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency, not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."
Some things deplete us. Others just get on our nerves. But when something insults our souls, it's important to take action!
I am reminded again of James Hollis' wisdom about self-analysis. It isn't self-absorption or narcissism. Instead it is an act of responsibility and of kindness to others to "clean up the toxic waste dump" of your own inner life so that you won't project it out onto others or act it out in relationships. Getting clear about what depletes you and taking responsibility for that is an act of maturity and kindness toward oneself and others.
What depletes you? How do you handle it?
What do you need to flee?
What can you give up in order to make room for what nourishes you?
Grace to you --
Jeanie
(This is the second in a four week series of reflections based on Chapter Three of the book WHAT MATTERS MOST: LIVING A MORE CONSIDERED LIFE, by James Hollis. You can order Jim's books from here -- http://www.junghouston.org or from http://www.amazon.com. You can also order CDs of his lecture from this course from the Jung Center in Houston. Previous posts from this series can be found by clicking "What Matters" on the home page of this website. Thank you for your responses through e-mails and personal comments. This is fun!) |
