Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Reciprocity.

When I was a child one of the first lessons in "manners" that my parents taught me was that when someone asks you how you are, you should reply, "Fine, thank you, (if you were, of course!), and how are you?"

I didn't realize it then, but they were teaching me one of the most basic principles in human relationships, and that is the principle of reciprocity.

"It's polite to return the favor of asking about the other person," my dad told me.  "It lets the other person know you are interested in him or her."

If my dad were here today I think he would be appalled at how often it is that you ask someone, "How are you?" and they simply answer the question and the conversation stops there.  Oh, I know about the argument that it's just a social convention and people don't really care how you are.  And I get it that some people really don't want to return that nicety because they really don't care about an on-going relationship or even a conversation with the other person!

Perhaps we've become so self-absorbed as individuals, so wrapped up in our own narcissistic needs, so self-protected, so oblivious to the world and to others around us that we cannot even return a common courtesy, and perhaps that is the evidence that we really are "starving amid abundance."  Perhaps the obsession with "Taking Care of Number One" is sometimes common sense, but at others times the symptom of a starved soul.   Perhaps we are reaping the results of the "Me" generation, and suprisingly, those results are starvation.  It's an interesting thing to ponder how narcissism leads to emptiness.

From James Hollis' teaching and especially in the third chapter of WHAT MATTERS MOST:  LIVING A MORE CONSIDERED LIFE, "Starving Amid Abundance: That we Consider Feeding the Soul, I've learned some really important things about what it means to care for one's soul.  From Jim I have learned how necessary and vital it is that there is some reciprocity in one's life.  If you're going to give to someone or to job, an organization, a project, it is important that something is coming back to you to fulfill you, satisfy you or at least compensate you for your time, your trouble or your money. 

I've learned that it is not selfishness or narcissism to expect reciprocity from life.  Indeed, it is impossible to keep on giving indefinitely without receiving something that is nurturing and life-giving from some source.  While I reject the idea that a human being is a machine or a mechanical thing, nevertheless it is true that a human being can no more run on and on without being fed and filled than a car can run without fuel!  It is a healthy thing to take the initiatve to get what one needs!  It is a sign of maturity to take responsibility for knowing when you are depleted and empty and not expecting someone else to fill you up!  Adults figure out what their bodies and souls need to function well and how to get what they need.

I've learned that when I'm in a relationship in which I do all the giving or all the taking, there will be an imbalance and ultimately a conflict, a resentment or a death of the relationship.  Where there is no reciprocity in the most simple exchanges of daily life, there will certainly not be reciprocity in the deeper layers of friendship and intimacy.

And so it is that I am learning how to nurture friendships in which reciprocity happens.   In fact, the practice of reciprocity has become a requirement of friendships for me.  I expect it of myself and I expect it from my friends.

I've learned that if I'm serving an institution, an organization or a project which does not serve me but only takes, demanding more of my time, my efforts, my money or my talents, I am not practicing selflessness.  Instead, I am giving from a neurosis.  If I am serving that which does not serve me but instead depletes or dishonors me, I'm in trouble.

Frederick Buechner said that "our calling is where our deep gladness meets the world's deep need."  I love that idea, especially when I consider that "deep gladness" must come from a deep well of fullness, health, abundance and a nourished resourcefulness. 

Jesus said that it is more blessed to give than to receive.  However, you can't give if you don't have anything.

The Prayer attributed to St. Francis declares that it is in giving that we receive.  I know that this true, but it doesn't mean that you can give from an empty well.

But-- the truth remains, as Jim says on page 40 of this book, "We serve the world by finding what feeds us, and having been fed, then share our gift with others."

Life's about giving and taking -- not one or the other.  Life is a precious gift and every encounter is a delicate dance of reciprocity.

Jim ends this chapter with this challenge:  "The soul is a hungry child at our door.  How long can we ignore its presence?"

Indeed.

In what relationships do you do all the giving? 

Are there relationships in which you do all the taking?

What about those organizations or institutions with which you are affiliated?   Do you serve that which does not serve you?

Or, are you one of those who expects others to do for you?

Is your soul standing at the door, starving?  What are you doing to get what you need to feel soul-full?

In the midst of today -- may you experience the grace of reciprocity.  May you give and receive, and in doing so, be fed.

Grace to you--

Jeanie

This is the fourth in a four week series of reflections based on Chapter Three of the book WHAT MATTERS MOST:  LIVING A MORE CONSIDERED LIFE,  by James Hollis.   You can order Jim's books from here -- http://www.junghouston.org or from http://www.amazon.com.     You can also order CDs of his lecture from this course from the Jung Center in Houston.           Previous posts from this series can be found by clicking "What Matters" on the home page of this website.  Next week will begin the four-part series on the fourth chapter, "That We Respect the Power of Eros."   Thank you for your responses through e-mails and personal comments.  This is fun!)

Sunday, April 4, 2010 

Happy Easter, you said…

and I’ve been thinking about

what that means.

        Funny how just those words

touched the bound part of

my soul and called it

to resurrection.

Funny how with those words you

rolled away a stone.

***

And I said it back to you, and

here is what I meant.

It’s all about yes, isn’t it?

Yes to…The mess of rebirth

   the toil of renewal

the unknown of re-creation

Yes to the agony and ecstasy

        of waking up and staying awake…

Yes to the beckoning to life

        and love and laughter –

Yes to the wonder and splendor

        of bluebonnets and blue skies

Yes to the Force that unsettles and

        disturbs

and keeps on creating in you

through you for you –

Yes to the Mystery of resurrection.

        Happy Easter?       Indeed.                 jm   easter ...09